January 4, 2012

What if... famous authors had written Twilight?

Man, this pic takes me back...

Have you ever wondered... What is Stephenie Meyer hadn't penned our beloved Twilight Saga?  What if the story had come in a dream to Lewis Caroll or even Ayn Rand?

Well, io9 pose this interesting question and this is the rather amusing result:

*Warning - some NC17 content*

The main problem with Twilight isn't its sparkly vampires who lack all traditional weaknesses, or even its anti-feminist sensibility. When you get right down to it, the trouble is that the writing is terrible, filled with cliche phrases ("smoldering eyes"), repeated words (294 "eyes" in 498 pages) and the reductive characterization of its main characters (Bella is clumsy, and I guess she likes books. Or something). 
On a recent car-trip with my husband and the writer Chip Cheek, we mulled over the question: What if great literary writers of the last 200 years had penned Twilight instead? 
Herman Melville"Call me Bella." A tome about the length of the original series investigates Bella's monomanical search for the vampire who stole her virginity. There's an entire chapter devoted to describing the devastating whiteness of Edward's skin, and several on the physiognomy of vampires, starting with their skeletal structure outward.
Virginia Woolf - The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society. 
Cormac McCarthy - In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella's head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West. 
Jane Austen - Basically the same as the original, except that Bella is socially apt and incredibly witty. Her distrust of Edward is initially bourne out of a tragic misunderstanding of his character, but after a fling with Jacob during which he sexually assaults her (amusing to no one in this version) she and Edward live happily ever after.
George Saunders - Same as the original, but set in a theme park. Somehow involves gangs of robots, which distract the reader from the essential sappiness of Edward and Bella's story. 
Raymond Carver - Bella stars as the alcoholic barmaid with daddy issues that Edward, a classic abuser, exploits. When Bella's old friend Jacob comes to visit and is shocked by her bruises, she thinks about leaving him, but instead hits the gin bottle. Hard. 
Annie Proulx - Edward and Jacob defy society's expectations up in the mountains. 
Lewis Carroll - Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms. 
James Joyce - Edward's rapacious love for Bella reflects the way globalism has pillaged Ireland. It's entirely written in Esperanto, with sections in untranslated Greek, except for Chapter 40, which is inexplicably rendered as a script page from the musical The Book of Mormon.
Dorothy Parker - Bella writes a brilliant takedown of the latest school play, dates a string of men, and repeatedly attempts suicide. 
Kate Chopin - Stifled by her marriage to Edward, Bella has an affair with Jacob and then drowns herself. 
Ernest Hemingway - Edward and Bella exchange terse dialogue alluding to Edward's anatomical problem. Eventually, Bella leaves him for Jacob, a local bullfighter with a giant…sense of entitlement. 
Flannery O'Connor - When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic. 
Ayn Rand - Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.

Lol, the Ernest Hemmingway one really made me chuckle :)

Be sure to check out the full post at io9 for more - t
hanks Kitty_Elvis!

- Lorabell

P.s. These guys obviously aren't familiar with fan fiction ;)


  1. BTW LOVING the look and return to a simple Blogger comment system.

  2. @Juju Glad you approve :) I'd been putting off the update for far too long but it allows things to be much simpler!

  3. HAHAHAAHA!! And I love your Fanfic remark!!

  4. LMAO! What about some more contemporary writers?

    Stephen King - Werewolves and vampires abound, and none of them are nice. Bella thrashes around and screams for about 300 pages (and not in a good way), and then dies.

    Emily Giffin - Bella marries [Edward/Jacob/Mike Newton, pick one], who is faithful and loyal and wants to have babies with her, but her educated, sophisticated, city-girl heart isn't satisfied with a great job and loving husband. She cheats on him and they get divorced, after which she concludes that she is too smart and wild to be held down by any man or child. She dies alone, and her tombstone quotes Gloria Steinem.

    JK Rowling - Edward and Bella are magical, and Alice always comes up with just the right spell at exactly the right moment to save their lives, then breezily claims that she read it in a textbook "just for fun." Jasper appears, Alice gets distracted, and bumbling, red-headed Edward can't save Bella. She dies at the hands of a dragon.

  5. As I was going down the list, I was giving myself a mental checklist...."check, read that, check, read that" and so on thinking of all the different fanfiction I've read through the years...lol

  6. @MyAfterCar your "not in a good way" made me epic lol!

  7. In my opinion most authors go on and on with the description of the characters surroundings. So if Steph hadnt written it *shudders* we wouldnt have as much page time with Edward and his honey/lilac/sunshine scent, or his glorious sparkly profile, and the way his smoothe low voice melts Bellas insides. Yes, i preffer Stephenie's version much more. Lol


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